Linden Tree

It hurts to let someone in. It hurts to let them see the very center of "you". But for all the hurt I tried to avoid..in the end it found me. It found me. I was weak, scared, and immature.. and played with emotions like a child. That hiding behind a glass wall would protect me? In the summer I danced and pranced around like it was any ordinary day. Hiding in the shade of the tree I climbed. The truth now, is that I know not a single day was ordinary.. Not one.

Everyday was exceptional. Exponentially better then the day before. That all the while looking at her eyes looking back at me, it made my heart swell. And my life sparkle. I had it. Right in my hands I had it. In my heart, I had it. In my mind, I had it. My love, I had it. But why when I had it, did I know not how to show it? I shared my talents. I shared my stories. I shared my shoulders. I shared my humor. I shared everything with everyone... that but the only one.

Though it seems the last leaf has fallen from my sweet sweet linden tree.... I hope that a spring will blossom your love anew.. for that is my hope, and my heart that wishes.

I love you.

It's been a trying few weeks. Its hard to really put my finger on when the world tipped over, flipped over, and fell right side back again.. I suppose, it's just another chapter.
We all wait for the right moment. The chance to take life by the reigns, and steer.

What you can't do, what you should avoid doing...Is placing all your eggs into one basket; the repercussion when things don't fall into place, can be excruciatingly brutal.
I felt like a gimmick. Like some sort of stunt celebrities use to enhance their public image. I'd like to think it was all unintentional, and simply a misunderstanding.. it would help me sleep if I did. Truth is, I really feel hosed. I feel naive.
The days leading up to the festival, were exciting. A sense of hope and anticipation grew with every inch closer to Sunday. I got there thinking this was "it". Seconds away from getting another boosted chance to improve my education, and future. This time though, in hindsight, proved to make no difference.

I was told that this person wanted to help my situation. They wanted to do something for me, that they could to to make a difference. And that it wouldn't be of any inconvenience. My time, and labor was at no cost to them. Essentially I was their assistant.
"get 'em some water if you would"
"keep an eye on my boy if you would"
"find me a marker to sign these would you?"
"Can you take our picture with ...would you?"
"oh, boy..the flamingos are loose..hold the wallaby if you would."
But who was I really? Just some sidekick without a story... and what a pity it is that this little guy has got some horrible disease.
"bless his heart...what a nice young man..."
"well, how nice it is you can spend your day here..being a little assistant!"
I don't need to be in someone's spotlight. I want my own. And quite honestly, I feel like I should. I know I can do it just as good, if not leaps and bounds better.
This whole relationship has been some kind of charade..and well It's damaging to the psyche.
My dream is to be someone. Someone that can make a real difference in everyones life from here to Kalamazoo.. To be a real inspiration, and a friendly face for those in need. A real somebody.
There are very few genuine people out there.. People that don't have an anterior motive. And even harder to see the true colors in an individual, that exuberance great humility inside and out. I wish I could be one of the few. Its impossible for me to say that though. I am an envious person. I envy the thought of greatness and attention. With that said, I want that for good reasons too. I want to keep my word. I want my promises and ambition to be undeniably genuine, and sincere. The chance to have that power, and the stage to stand up and advocate, and follow through with my words, and heart would allow me to feel accomplished. Because with all honesty, until I find that platform, I feel like an underachiever.
If you're going to promise, you need to make good on it. There is someone out there who's counting on you...and I don't want anyone to feel disappointment , and let down.. Because it's a sad thing when disappointment and let down are no longer shocking...

The very first day of summer camp... If you've ever been there, you'd understand what I'm talking about when I say there is something very familiar about the air, the cabins, the dining hall.. even the other kids and counselors had a distinct smell. It just sorta tied everything together. A "mil dewey, old clothes, cedar, franks and beans" seeping aroma..
The drive that Saturday morning always seemed to take an eternity. And when we finally met the gravel driveway...my body couldn't stand it any longer. I was psyched! (I'm pretty sure my parents...shoot more like the majority of all the other parents dropping off their own kids were even more excited about the long week!) I wanted to jump out of my seat.

So when we got there, we all reported to the dining hall to check in.. We had our medicines, our belongings, and about an hour of registering. Chuck ..Chuck, eh.. well this guy Chuck. I always tried hiding away when he showed up. It was a lost cause though. And when he saw us, he would run over and yell "hey there's my peanut!".. grab my cheek and stretch the loose skin..."So Peanut how was your summer so far?!"
Peanut? really?... I hate "peanut".. "zach attack".. "spider monkey".."the runt".. "Bum" what ever endearing words these crazy adults wanted to go with..but hey, here's an idea : how about you just call me ZACH.. I was a little of the entertainment.

When our parents left, we were pretty much free for a couple hours to mingle and meet with your cabin buddies. It was consistent each year. Jesse, DeAaron, CJ, Kevin...to name a few.
And immediately, our cabin was ready to discuss the weeks most pressing matter:
"The big talent Show".. a lip sinking contest to be preformed Tuesday, and if you well represented your cabin, and killed it like Mily Vanily..well, then again you'd preform for cash, and prizes Thursday in the Finals Showdown!
If you hadn't guessed about me yet.. I am a ham in front the camera, lights, large gatherings.. So now I get the chance to dress in rock outfits of the 80's and bust out some oldies or new jams. well I was in heaven!
I'll roll out the top 3 in no particular order.
1) Beach Boys "Barbara Ann"... I nailed it with a combination of Twist and Chubby Checkers meets ridiculous..
2) I preformed the Ninja Turtles Song - Go Ninja. I was raphael, and I believe we had the best costume and set design.. we ranked Second.
3) "Smoking in the Boys room" by Poison.... seemed a little inappropriate singing about the joys of smoking in the public restrooms, seeing as how we were all living with chronic, often terminal lung disease... But hey we rocked that out without batting an eye..were were kinda like the badest 9 year old bad asses that CF camp ever did witness. And we won 1st place!
We felt like royalty the next day and a half.. Like rock legends..and then we get caught. Yeah, so the panty raid we thought had been executed to perfection the evening prior, well...turned out our "covert opt" ability was comparable to holes in swiss cheese.
Table setting ,and Clearing was our job for dinner..

They had polar bear swims every morning that week too. And you know, I really tried! I really did! I would wake up, and head to the pool ready to go.

j5

There are so many well deserving men and women out there.. deserving to be recognized for all they give and put out each and every day. I know a few people like that. J5. This core group of nurses, aides, clerks, DR's, and patients change you. They alter your priorities and clear up the soot in the air we breathe and wash away the cataracks , and distorted perspective... an artificial soul can not put on a show here. It's no act. Its genuine. It's the legitimacy, and sincerity of each person on that floor whoose heart beats stronger, and with more passion and dedication then imagination could even conjure...and it comes together.
They come together. They are solid rocks for each other. A team. With one goal.... Make this place smile through pain. Find a place for laughter through our heartbreaks and tears... and hold tight to all the loving memories ... hold those higher over grief.

So I'm thinking of all you guys do downtown, and I'm feeling privledged to have been a part of the magic you bring to the floor. And how truly amazed at how many of you can leave life outside (troubles at home, or whatever..) you leave that at the door.. and ride that "elevator" up up up to the fifth floor..

I miss you guys.

Make someone who needs a smile, give them a laugh for me... and if someone needs a hug, give them the most you can put into that hug... tape "hug" to there back if need be.


Never forget what you guys are doing there.. Its unbelievable. YOU are AMAZING... all of you.

I hate that awkward silence in a public restroom. Like what is correct public bathroom etiquette? you know, Like stall to stall? Can you bring up simple conversation?
aside from a "hows it going" or "damn it's hot outside.."

but what about


"geez, had to get away before the wife had me try on another pair of pants....you know, pants? .. have you tried on any of the slacks they had in the weekend paper? ..I'm a 32, but I have trouble fitting into 32 here, so my wife and I are looking for 33...see if that works better, you know?"..

or

"hey....those look like some comfortable new shoes?... Where did you get them at, if you don't mind me asking. I could really use a pair like that..hmmm (examining shoes while grunting , and deep breaths) ..Yep , I like 'em... How much?"

gibberish

I don't want to waste it. I've spent my whole adult life doing - not doing much with dreams and aspirations. So when I was asked if I was interested in taking the plunge.. It took every inch of me to "not do" what I have grown accustomed to. Routine, and consistency are my MA. I'd like to change that. Make a bigger splash.. flail a little. Take a calculated risk, with out any regret. YOu know what you want, you go get it. Thats where I've been silly to just graze like a cow in the pasture... I'm full.
About ten years ago I took a leap. I decided to move out and be an "adult". I have grown backwards since. Not all for the worst, but nonetheless..
What really chaps my ass, is how I never was able to see that guy then.. trust me if it were possible.. well, I feel like punching him in the face! At least give him some advice- that I'd take. Because I did it, but I did it half ass and without passion.
That first year before moving back home, and back out, and back home, and back out again... that first year was like living in a sitcom. Odd neighbors. Roommate stories that are never retold, or rehashed. Girls that we thought to have a chance with. Beer. Parties. Summer heat. And nothing better to do. So we do it "again tomorrow".
The year was going fairly well until I got caught driving home from BG by a Marion State'y... And its those little life choices that stick to you forever like matted hair on a poodle. Just about impossible to remove without shaving it all off. Fresh start.
So I call the only person I thought I could depend on - or at least who I thought would judge me the least. And when I got home, my life as I knew it had now gotten away from me, and I've been chasing it down since!
I killed my roommate in the process. Not literally though. Just the friendship part. Trust me, if he was taken out it'll be in the hands of his wife nowadays.. not me.
So when the weekend simmers down a little ad life picks back up, and legal penalty is now but only a laughing stock and lost pride in my rearview mirror..I walk to work the long way... I'm so worried about looking stupid that I decide its not worth taking the COTA to work in the event i get on the wrong one or something.. Plus its 5 bucks for the day pass, and I have exactly $2.33 in my pocket to last me all of March. Thats one trip. One way. So I walked. ..and on occasion I would lobby for my 'mate to drop me off in the back of the restaurant at 4am- and thats where i would wait until 830... Since we had snow and freezing temps around that time, I would go into this laundry mat next door and wait. But after day or two of that..i was asked not to loiter.
So my other option was none really...But there was this Ice Box out side the padlocked doors.. and I fit in quite cozy. And at 830, Donna would hit the sides with a spatula and hollering voice.. Frau.

From that job... I became zero insured ... that was challenging. There is always some girl to blame..so here's two. I had a crush on a girl at work. I was in love with a friend who slept with all my friends.. and then right under my nose, there was no job either.
I shared a phone with the neighbors. I watched Sienfield in increments ..I'd hold the antenna for ten minutes, and we would rotate back to the couch. We had a system for shopping too. His mother would buy groceries, and he would ask for things he didn't really like...and I would help him get rid of the stuff he didn't want:) Open door policy. And waking up before noon were grounds for dismissal . My 'mate loved it. So much so he rather work all day and night then come home to my ridiculous behavior...

Okay so this blog is really not very detailed, and more importantly without any direction. Its simple. I'm hanging out tonight thinking ....wasting my breath i guess. But as mentioned at the beginning... I waste a lot of breath, so at least this is a bit more productive.

The whole no insurance thing ..yeah that was real too. Nothing for 3 1/2 years.. "classified CF as a childhood illness" even though CF'ers are aging way beyond 12 years old these days.. So state cut back, and eliminated it. We were able to restore it with a very courageous outfit of supporters, and testimonials. I read and spoke my piece to the senate, and representatives...and with a team united we were ultimately able to restore SOME funding, and a semi-adult with CF program. That lasted a few years...and then the economy we know today, has left a residual effect on all state funded programs.. And we are going backwards once more.. So thats a little of that. I could go on with more rants ..and I do plan on it. But this was only a foot in the water to test the fingers here on my keypad...
I'll be back

She had quoted angels before. She has felt their presence 3 times. And after each, goosebumps and the hairs on my neck stand straight... "lovely she said".

It was in the window sill, while her grandfather cleaned up his work shop..His shotgun boomed. Gunpowder infiltrating the nostrils. And the gun smoke rolled in like a fog.. the air was heavy like morning dew.
In the flash ..time stopping and starting all over simultaneously, her body fell limp.. creeping into the crevice of her chest, cold. Her flesh numb...
She was 4years old. This moment. This instance. It delivered her under the protection from a friend, or guardian... Her grandfather did his best to cover the terror in his voice.. To lesson the hurt. Minimize the shock. Lights dangling above the wood shop. Freckled with dark red splatter..
And yet, while laying on her side gasping for air, and struggling to make sense of the ringing echoing in her ears... Oddly, she felt safe. She felt the presence of her Angel. An angel had shoved her only an inch, but that inch would have hit her heart, and lungs. The push saved her from never being upright, and rather gave her the chance to know.. and to know how to walk right side down, and her head up high. A lesson in humility, and perseverance...
No matter how you choose to skin it.. the story never faded, nor did it grow..it simply was - white feathered wings held her.... The fields of brown golden cat tails chased one another in a gust freely along a vacant lot. Her eyes locked in on faces running across the acres like recess ringing it's bell... And then her day melted to night, while the night prepared a greeting to sunrise... Luminance of a blue moon.. saying good night moon. When the heat lifted, and evening lows and louds' nestled into the horizon, and again Daylight loads of fluff rose from the East.
She was changed. And she was going to go on to create. The art of writing. The creativity of rhythm and song. A poetic carousel... And there was going to be a long line. She had a following. And she had a purse full of positivity... and colored pens.
His gun sound loaded. Her adrenaline pumping. Shots rung out into dance..

And the type writer dinged, and clacked and clucked ...and reeled.
The emperor was pleased, and pleased so, he placed the writings she wrote..fit for a special place in his palace...