It's been a trying few weeks. Its hard to really put my finger on when the world tipped over, flipped over, and fell right side back again.. I suppose, it's just another chapter.
We all wait for the right moment. The chance to take life by the reigns, and steer.

What you can't do, what you should avoid doing...Is placing all your eggs into one basket; the repercussion when things don't fall into place, can be excruciatingly brutal.
I felt like a gimmick. Like some sort of stunt celebrities use to enhance their public image. I'd like to think it was all unintentional, and simply a misunderstanding.. it would help me sleep if I did. Truth is, I really feel hosed. I feel naive.
The days leading up to the festival, were exciting. A sense of hope and anticipation grew with every inch closer to Sunday. I got there thinking this was "it". Seconds away from getting another boosted chance to improve my education, and future. This time though, in hindsight, proved to make no difference.

I was told that this person wanted to help my situation. They wanted to do something for me, that they could to to make a difference. And that it wouldn't be of any inconvenience. My time, and labor was at no cost to them. Essentially I was their assistant.
"get 'em some water if you would"
"keep an eye on my boy if you would"
"find me a marker to sign these would you?"
"Can you take our picture with ...would you?"
"oh, boy..the flamingos are loose..hold the wallaby if you would."
But who was I really? Just some sidekick without a story... and what a pity it is that this little guy has got some horrible disease.
"bless his heart...what a nice young man..."
"well, how nice it is you can spend your day here..being a little assistant!"
I don't need to be in someone's spotlight. I want my own. And quite honestly, I feel like I should. I know I can do it just as good, if not leaps and bounds better.
This whole relationship has been some kind of charade..and well It's damaging to the psyche.
My dream is to be someone. Someone that can make a real difference in everyones life from here to Kalamazoo.. To be a real inspiration, and a friendly face for those in need. A real somebody.
There are very few genuine people out there.. People that don't have an anterior motive. And even harder to see the true colors in an individual, that exuberance great humility inside and out. I wish I could be one of the few. Its impossible for me to say that though. I am an envious person. I envy the thought of greatness and attention. With that said, I want that for good reasons too. I want to keep my word. I want my promises and ambition to be undeniably genuine, and sincere. The chance to have that power, and the stage to stand up and advocate, and follow through with my words, and heart would allow me to feel accomplished. Because with all honesty, until I find that platform, I feel like an underachiever.
If you're going to promise, you need to make good on it. There is someone out there who's counting on you...and I don't want anyone to feel disappointment , and let down.. Because it's a sad thing when disappointment and let down are no longer shocking...