In the End...

I wake up to clamoring sounds I remember. While the dark night stirs a lonely silence..
I focus on the noises, or I can't sleep. My toes feel the inches of rising rain...
What I've become, frightens me. I'm not who I parade around as. I am only a shell of where I began.
So, I choose to stay away. Away from the eyes I know. Away from those who could undress this blanket.
Loosing seems to be the only thing I feel. Love something, and I loose more.
Care and I hurt deeper. Try, and I push further. All the while, I'm still right here.
I wish we had a way to start this over. I wish I knew a way to stay away. So that I didn't hurt from the gut, up. My heart aches. My feet sink without pressing. The water is waste deep now.
She said. He said. They said. I said. All broken pieces across the floor. The record plays.
It hits my neck. I wish'd I choke. Not this time. Not the case.
Tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow is now yesterday, and I tread. But my body is so tired.
I hear the door open. I hear children's feet. I hear voices. I hear dogs sleeping. I feel a shutter next to me.
My eyes open suddenly... It's still dark. And the noises go away. Sleep. But I can't.

And I know...the noises...they do.

New work, and old- flipping like a politician

So I am taking these down, and storing them, but a lot of touch up needed- but wanted to share what I found buried in a pile Canvas.... take a look:)

My Starry night

In Lovers arms

Purple haze

Where do we go from here?.......

I'm a Picasso!

Earth

Moons of Jupiter

"the Cafe" - Van Goh (not finished)

Eyes shut open

journey

Her

Explosion of Stars and chaos

So I am here to ponder

House

blossom

We were just kids

St. Louis

Glass half full

the Road

cyclone
"Dusk of the Colosseum"

"Reach"



"paris is calling"
"And you didn't think I "knew Jack"

"Under the Starlights"

"water hole"
"Amsterdam memory"

"For one"
"Smoke ring"
"peeping - TOM"

"Lady in Blue"

well... Its been a little over three months now. Living in a converted motel 6- studio apartment. I have to pull my bed "out " at night.. and to be frank, I don't even bother- if I do, it just takes up my "living space".... so i've made fort on the couch. I've actually cut bathroom time in rations, only so that I can go into another "room" more frequently. There's no love machine here in Summerview. Only the occasional snore from next door can be heard..(walls are paper thin...which worries ma little, because there was an awful lot of crying coming from this apartment..but, hey I'm sure they weren't listening.. )..oh, and i hear the train every hour..

There is pain in my heart. And gloss over my eyes. But you know what they say whatever hurts, makes you stronger. So I'm getting there. I miss things before. The family i had. The chances I had to do things the right way.

Linden Tree

It hurts to let someone in. It hurts to let them see the very center of "you". But for all the hurt I tried to avoid..in the end it found me. It found me. I was weak, scared, and immature.. and played with emotions like a child. That hiding behind a glass wall would protect me? In the summer I danced and pranced around like it was any ordinary day. Hiding in the shade of the tree I climbed. The truth now, is that I know not a single day was ordinary.. Not one.

Everyday was exceptional. Exponentially better then the day before. That all the while looking at her eyes looking back at me, it made my heart swell. And my life sparkle. I had it. Right in my hands I had it. In my heart, I had it. In my mind, I had it. My love, I had it. But why when I had it, did I know not how to show it? I shared my talents. I shared my stories. I shared my shoulders. I shared my humor. I shared everything with everyone... that but the only one.

Though it seems the last leaf has fallen from my sweet sweet linden tree.... I hope that a spring will blossom your love anew.. for that is my hope, and my heart that wishes.

I love you.

It's been a trying few weeks. Its hard to really put my finger on when the world tipped over, flipped over, and fell right side back again.. I suppose, it's just another chapter.
We all wait for the right moment. The chance to take life by the reigns, and steer.

What you can't do, what you should avoid doing...Is placing all your eggs into one basket; the repercussion when things don't fall into place, can be excruciatingly brutal.
I felt like a gimmick. Like some sort of stunt celebrities use to enhance their public image. I'd like to think it was all unintentional, and simply a misunderstanding.. it would help me sleep if I did. Truth is, I really feel hosed. I feel naive.
The days leading up to the festival, were exciting. A sense of hope and anticipation grew with every inch closer to Sunday. I got there thinking this was "it". Seconds away from getting another boosted chance to improve my education, and future. This time though, in hindsight, proved to make no difference.

I was told that this person wanted to help my situation. They wanted to do something for me, that they could to to make a difference. And that it wouldn't be of any inconvenience. My time, and labor was at no cost to them. Essentially I was their assistant.
"get 'em some water if you would"
"keep an eye on my boy if you would"
"find me a marker to sign these would you?"
"Can you take our picture with ...would you?"
"oh, boy..the flamingos are loose..hold the wallaby if you would."
But who was I really? Just some sidekick without a story... and what a pity it is that this little guy has got some horrible disease.
"bless his heart...what a nice young man..."
"well, how nice it is you can spend your day here..being a little assistant!"
I don't need to be in someone's spotlight. I want my own. And quite honestly, I feel like I should. I know I can do it just as good, if not leaps and bounds better.
This whole relationship has been some kind of charade..and well It's damaging to the psyche.
My dream is to be someone. Someone that can make a real difference in everyones life from here to Kalamazoo.. To be a real inspiration, and a friendly face for those in need. A real somebody.
There are very few genuine people out there.. People that don't have an anterior motive. And even harder to see the true colors in an individual, that exuberance great humility inside and out. I wish I could be one of the few. Its impossible for me to say that though. I am an envious person. I envy the thought of greatness and attention. With that said, I want that for good reasons too. I want to keep my word. I want my promises and ambition to be undeniably genuine, and sincere. The chance to have that power, and the stage to stand up and advocate, and follow through with my words, and heart would allow me to feel accomplished. Because with all honesty, until I find that platform, I feel like an underachiever.
If you're going to promise, you need to make good on it. There is someone out there who's counting on you...and I don't want anyone to feel disappointment , and let down.. Because it's a sad thing when disappointment and let down are no longer shocking...