the are nots

I learn-ed today. I learn the "aren't", and those that are.
I found a new perspective. Inherent goodness does not reside in the heart.

Not in mine, and not in yours.

They're far and few that try to make it due. So, when I do, only smoke blows into my chest ache.
I learn-ed today. Those aren't's are not what I pegged dem are's to be.

And the are's I thought are not.
I am jaded, I hurt.

Why aren't we better being at minded being's, and instead so good at being absent minded? Heartless, unless a beneficent.

Disenchanted by my surrounding forever-longer..my grin at grit, has relocated. Located where "thou are's go".

I learn-ed today that a front disguise and masker-aide which goes about gallivanting around is deception, and the only true truth.

I think it is time I need a new skin, because this one I sit in is beginning to itch. It itches to be counted on.
But, I'll be forced to sit this one out "Scout".

I watch the game play from the benches. Clear and cut clean. I lost the score five minutes ago. The are's and aren'ts play. Scout sits.

I want to stop the hurt - I want a voice that does not shake. When opening my mouth, so dry, only whispers and winces as the cracks in my lips, and the salt in my watering eyes mount.
That is all I can count on these days.

That is what I have learned. The pain. The shade. This corner. This vacancy... I know this are. What I am. Aren't I entitled to a clue less vague?

In the End...

I wake up to clamoring sounds I remember. While the dark night stirs a lonely silence..
I focus on the noises, or I can't sleep. My toes feel the inches of rising rain...
What I've become, frightens me. I'm not who I parade around as. I am only a shell of where I began.
So, I choose to stay away. Away from the eyes I know. Away from those who could undress this blanket.
Loosing seems to be the only thing I feel. Love something, and I loose more.
Care and I hurt deeper. Try, and I push further. All the while, I'm still right here.
I wish we had a way to start this over. I wish I knew a way to stay away. So that I didn't hurt from the gut, up. My heart aches. My feet sink without pressing. The water is waste deep now.
She said. He said. They said. I said. All broken pieces across the floor. The record plays.
It hits my neck. I wish'd I choke. Not this time. Not the case.
Tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow is now yesterday, and I tread. But my body is so tired.
I hear the door open. I hear children's feet. I hear voices. I hear dogs sleeping. I feel a shutter next to me.
My eyes open suddenly... It's still dark. And the noises go away. Sleep. But I can't.

And I know...the noises...they do.