LANE KIFFIN

January 12, 2011
Said Lane Kiffin at yesterdays press conference "I'm really looking forward to embracing some of the great traditions at the University of Southern, eh I mean, together we share, at the University of Florida, for instance the Gator Walk, running through the tunnel to the theme of jaws, chanting Orange and Blue all night long after we beat the Seminoles next year ... it will be a blast". Kiffin was hired by the University of Florida, after coaching one year as the head coach at USC. His record was (5-7). Former Florida coach, Urban Meyer stepped away from coaching, declaring "he was done." The university has voided the last remaining years of his contract. He has since changed his name to Oscar, and fallen into seclusion.
It is also reported that with him, Kiffin has appointed Offensive guru Norm Chow to head the offense, and as Defensive Coordinator, his father, Monte Kiffin. It is not known the specifics of the deal, but reports from Florida alum claim Kiffin signed a 6 year/7.5million dollar contract with incentives; one of which, to remain coach of the university for more than one season. Many speculate his committment to the university will follow his recent history.


January 20th, 2013

In the aftermath of this countries apocalyptyc election, it was by no surprise that once sworn in, President Kiffin addressed his decision to appoint father, and former USC defensive coordinator, Monte Kiffin Secretary of Defense. The selection left many many shocked and bewildered. Monte Kiffin, is best known for his imitated version of Tampa Cover 2. His "bend -but-not-break" philosophy, though proven to be effective at times on the football field, brings about a concerning uncertainty as to how he will implement it into our nations Foreign Affairs.

Kiffin Sr., when asked how he would execute the US defense strategy, he confidently stated "stress is put on speed, smarts and flawless tackling. […] A quick defensive line is a must, but the middle linebacker position is the straw that stirs the drink."

Political analysts unanimously agree our country is going to suffer more than just economically...

President Kiffin has appointed Norm Chow as Secretary of State. He spent a greater portion of his life at the helm of a bitter state rivalry, otherwise referred to as the "Holly War". While many believe his aggressive West Coast tactics, not only seem to be utterly irrelavant on many, many levels, it may also engage us with an even stronger hatred towards the United States. There are others however, that are confident his football IQ will easily transition over, for effective and efficient military strategy.