weird wedding...

"We're gonna be late babes" ....she continues to straighten her hair with little regard for urgency.

"are you sure we weren't supposed to turn right back there?!? " more of a fact than a question...
"yes, yes babe..this is what the mapquest said..Just..I know , okay..Stop!"..she leans into her chair, and bites her lip.

The gravel road, and the scent of egg farms shimmy their way into the Corolla.
"oh my god..." we both cover our mouths, and swallow down the urge of vomit. She pulls out hand lotion to mask the stench.. Useless.

"you gotta be kiddin...." her voice stymies to a whisper as we pull up to the church. The place is surrounded by 1975 Ford Broncos, a collection of 1980's Camarro', rickety pickup trucks, and men, women, children, babies wearing only diapers..all sporting a version of a vintage mullet. And darting inches from getting hit by our car, a teen age boy running after his mutt. His rat tail in a french braid.

we pull in next to my fathers Nissan Ultima, and walk up to the "church". I say "church"..but it's really an old pizza shop, converted.
The doors are locked. And the wedding party congregates along the front yard. The piano lady is about 30 seconds from knocking on deaths door, as she puffs away at a cigarette...I found it fascinating she was still using her portable oxygen.

The sun beats down, but it's the humidity that's deadly. And we had to be like a rock throw away from a retention pond, judging by the amount of mosquitos....That smell of egg farm burning through our nostrils. I wanted to be sick.

What the hell is that noise? It sounds like aluminum cans being kicked across the street... And the noise grows closer.
And around the corner comes a black and grey spotted goat. He pushes his way through the congregation. Pellets dribble from his rear end. He stumbles along. He doesn't give a shit, and stands right in the center of the mass. Chomping away at the grass.... he doesn't flinch a lick at the swarm of flies and nats.

The church was unlocked, but after nearly 20 minutes of sitting in the old style movie theater seats, we all marched back outside to catch our breaths...at least there was a slight breeze. The piano lady stood like a smoke stack cradling near a rusted coffee can for her "butts"..it was propping open the screen door to the entrance.
45 minutes late to her own wedding, the bride and her mother pull up... The piano lady had to be related to the mother.

"well shit! Told ya'll she'd be here..damn. Lets get dis done..come on in ya'll! " and the groom grabbed his orange baseball cap, and galloped into the church.
We all followed...like cattle.
The service crawled along. Babies deafened my dad's words. He had been asked to "marry" the shotgun wedding...Being this was family, how could he decline. ( If he had found a way, he certainly would have ...found a way)

When it was about all i could bare...the chirping of Nextels, and the snoring of the old guy in the front...We were finally dismissed.
Never seen so much joy.
It didn't shock me the slight bit that not a single person knew what the plan was after the ceremony. We had received a message on our voicemail about the reception *(they didn't send out invitations to everyone because of the cost of postage...)
So gathering round the parking lot, trying to gain some hint of destination, I over hear the groom and his friend chatting away about the his new Chevy Belt Buckle.
"When ja get dat Billy?"
"well I got this from Susan fer the wedd'n"
"i'd give you this wedding ring for it Billy" said the groom..this is like not even 10 minutes after he put the damn thing on!

So as we begin to drive out of there, lots of people from the service decide they have better things to do then head to the reception. God, i know I did... we were going anyhow,

At the wedding, the bride is told how Lovely she looks in her dress
"oh, this! I got it for 25 dollars at the second hand store! Isn't that amazing! It fits me like a glove"
Why on earth would someone be inclined to tell someone they got their wedding dress from a second hand store for 25 dolllars, on their wedding day? Wouldn't a "thank you..I really appreciate you coming today" been sufficient?!

The center pieces are those tissue paper cards that open up, and say "celebrate". Their is a "here comes the bride" banner taped to the wallpaper above the head "card table".... The bride and groom are no longer present because they had t ogo back home to the mobile home park 30 minutes away to get the marriage certificate for my dad to sign. They didn't know it was needed to legalize the marriage.
The "dj" is a best of Hall and Oats album.... played over and over and over...all 12 tracks.

The cake is a carrot cake roll..melting in the heat. And the bride strangling the groom statue begins to slide towards one side of the cake.....

Once they arrived, they stuck around about 20 minutes, before their hormones (the same ones that were the root cause of the 6 month belly she was trying to loose in her dress) became to much to handle.. So they went into the bathroom and made love. We know this because the bathroom is not sound proof the least little bit. So after about ten minutes of awkward conversation to mask the noise echoing from the stalls... we say goodbye to the bride and groom as they prance out the front door.
"this will be the ONLY TIME, and the LAST time I ever open the door for you women" shouts the groom as he slams the door to the T-bird.

"Please take one of the goldfish at your tables' home withcha all when you go...they cost us like 80 cents a fish..thanks guys"
A few tables had fish bowls in the center.... we already discussed what we were going to do. We were leaving the fish. Besides the fish at our table was eaten by some 30 year old guy in a bet while we were being seated...so it didn't matter anyhow.

He throws his can of keystone into the air, and we all watch it explode as it hits the pavement.. They speed away.

LOVE.